[firecoral417]

I've had DSPS as long as I can remember. I learned to deal with it and so did everyone close to me. 3 years ago I had a beautiful baby boy and that changed it all. I went from working my graveyard shift job to trying to work 9 to 5. I've since been fired from 3 jobs and have gotten threats at my current job. I have to be there at 8:30 and I'm usually punching in around 10:00. We all know the story about how this feels. What is really bothering me about it more than anything is my son. I feel like a terrible parent because, on a daily basis, I wonder if I'm gonna be able to bring home a paycheck! Every day I go to work, I fear getting fired. Aside from that, on the weekends, I sleep til about 1 in the afternoon. I feel like I'm missing out on time with him that we should be going to the park or his friends' birthday parties.

If you're a parent, how did you deal with DSPS and finding more time to be with your kid(s)? I'm worried that when he's old enough to realize that mom sleeps way later than normal people that he will hate me for it. I'm really worried about getting HIM to school on time once he's old enough. Has this happened to anyone?

Also, are there any parents out there that worked afternoon, night or graveyard shifts while juggling the "normal" schedule of getting kids to the doctor, dentist, school, baseball, dance, etc? How did you manage your time? I've been thinking about trying to find another job that doesn't require my presence so early but I don't know how to work it out. My optimal sleeping time is sleep at 10am wake at 4pm.

Thanks so much for any advice or ideas!

[sleeplessinW]

First, let me offer you a big hug! Yes, parenting with DSPS is more than a challenge, but please don't feel hopeless, it CAN be done. I have had DSPS all my life. Today is the first time I have been able to put a name to it. I have 3 kids, now 21, 20, and 14.

Is this going to be easy? I will warn you now, no, it will not be. The first thing you can do is to find a job that works a shift you can function with. I found my way into strip clubs in my late 20's. Never was a schedule more suited to my needs than that. Will I encourage that job? No, but it is an example that there ARE jobs out there that will enable you to survive. It won't be easy, but don't give up!

DSPS also can wreak havoc on any relationship, so if you have a husband, now is the time to lay this all out for him and the rest of your family. Ask for help. When I asked for help I was laughed at, told to go to bed like a normal person and take care of my responsibilities. Easier said than done, I know.

There were times my children trashed my house on a daily basis while I slept soundly. My 2 oldest as toddlers could dismantle my entire apartment within a few hours because Mommy couldn't get out of bed to fix them breakfast or lunch was late because Mommy was still asleep. My middle child was fond of using that time to go outside to play (when she was 4 - 5 yrs old). I would wake up and one or both of my kids was gone. My kids and I were lucky nothing bad ever happened in those times. I had good neighbors who knew something was wrong and did their best to help.

When my 3rd child came along I was feeling quite desperate, having just survived the first 7 yrs of the other 2 kids. I met a wonderful man who I later adopted as my dad. Dad would babysit via telephone while I slept in the mornings, would call and wake me up when alarm clocks were ineffective, and was overall great at understanding as much as anyone without DSPS could have. He never called me lazy.

I believe it is within each family to adjust to living with DSPS just as with any other disability. We find ways to conform, find ways to survive, and our children grow up with a greater acceptance of those who are "different" even if no clinical disorder or disease has been given.

My suggestions for you, having survived 21 yrs of this with children so far... surround yourself with anyone who can/will help. Find a job that fits your needs, and when it comes time for things like school... learn to take naps and have someone to help not only wake you up but even help get your child up and off to school on time. None of my children suffer with DSPS as far as I can see. I struggle but manage to give them a mostly normal life, with the help of my wonderful husband.

My last suggestion for you is don't fight it. If you try to force yourself to conform you will end up exhausted and feeling hopeless. I have been there many times over the years. I survived a good part of my children's lives as a single parent, working a split shift to accommodate their school and my sleep schedules. As much as I hate to admit it, bartending and working in the clubs was the easiest period of my life. I was awake until my kids left for school and able to sleep until I woke up on my own around noon - 1pm most days. By the time the kids got home I was in full swing for my day and able to keep up with work and kids quite easily. Since I quit working the night jobs I have struggled, and now have no job at all. Thankfully my husband has a good job and we are able to make ends meet on only his income, but barely.

I hope this helps you some. I would be more than happy to exchange emails with you if you think it would help more. I have alot of stories to tell and suggestions to offer about surviving parenthood with DSPS.

Best of Luck to you!

[firecoral417]

Oh wow! Thanks for a reply! I'm definitely trying to set myself up for a job I can work late at. I do graphic design, so most jobs are daytime positions. I can freelance, which is what I'm trying to get started at, and work whenever I want. I'm researching the crap out of it so I can make sure that I'm able to financially manage it. I make a bit of money--and have the debt to match it--so I can't really afford to bring in less than I already am. I'm mostly a single parent, too (which just onsets insomnia to my already existing condition) because I'm constantly on-the-go and have a hard time winding myself down to get to sleep.

I would really like to keep in touch with you! If you just learned today that what you experience has a name, you'll soon find out that there really aren't very many of us. I think I read recently that 1-in-2,000 have the disorder. Think of any time you've been around 2,000 people, now knowing that in the whole group, you're the only one with that problem. So it's always really great to talk to someone that knows exactly how tough it is to deal with the condition! I still have yet to meet someone in real life with it. And to this day, even my own mom, tells me "just go to bed earlier!" ::ugh::. If mom doesn't understand, nobody will. That's why I'm so thankful for forums such as this.

[sleeplessinW]

Hi there, glad to see you are still around. I wasn't sure anyone would still be watching or answering this topic. I understand about your mother. I am just now coming from an online support group I found, I was so upset about my mother yet again I had to post to get it out of my head.

I thought I would share my happy news with her, it finally has a legit name and its a real diagnosable problem, and I am not alone. For me, that alone was cause to celebrate. Mom didn't see it that way. Mom spent quite a while trying to convince me she was right, that I could change this if I really wanted to. I tried so hard to explain it to her, the body does what the body is going to do... no more and no less. What is the point in laying in bed night after night for hour after hour and staring at the dark ceiling, wishing for sleep, when you know what time sleep comes if you don't fight it. I find it more constructive to use my "days" as anyone else would use their days. So I vacuum at 2am, who cares? It doesn't bother anyone.
Mom and I ended up in a full out fight about this tonight, which hurt me deeply. I thought I had just found some easing to the pain I am burdened with by feeling so misunderstood and by being so misconceived. Life this way is not usually fun for me, I would change it if I could.

My mother is convinced that sleeping habits developed properly as a child will carry through into adulthood. DSPS to her is simply a matter of laying blame on my grandparents who "allowed" me to stay awake until all hours of the night as a child. She was not there, she did not see them beg me, bribe me, and finally give up and just sit with me to get me to sleep. I exhausted them, I told her this tonight, and again I was told it was their fault. Added to it, I was also told I just need to have the motivation and strength to set my mind to it and stick to it for a long time. She has no idea of what she speaks... how exhausting it is to try to do that. I spent almost 7 yrs working a split shift with 3 kids and 2 different schools at a time to deal with. I lived for that 7 yrs averaging about 2 - 3 hrs/sleep each night before I had to wake up and do it all over again. I was told "just go to bed" by everyone, so I did. When I did I laid there all night, thinking to myself "how stupid is this, me laying here during the little bit of time I feel awake..." 7 yrs of trying to inch the hours back 15 minutes at a time, 15 earlier each night. Still, no matter what time I tried, I did not sleep until 3, 4, sometimes 6 or 7am.

But still, with all of this, mom is still not convinced. I would like to offer you a big hug right now, because I know that with how I'm feeling, that is what I am craving. Another human being who doesn't doubt, who doesn't judge... who is in the same place at the same time and fully aware of the situation... so often I crave that.

So, how do we get in touch in private email? I have seen in this forum that posting email addresses is not allowed. They work so hard to bring us together and then work even harder to keep us apart... makes no sense.

My only friends these days are online, and most of them live in different time zones than I do. That is how I keep myself going, I find other people on my schedule to gather with. My hours force me to live most of my life online instead of offline. On a normal person's schedule, my friends in England would be limited to email only. With the schedule I am forced to keep, I instead get to live chat with them in Yahoo messenger.

Do you have YM? We could connect on there, maybe keep each other company during some of our late lonely hours. I would love to share my coping skills as a mother with someone I understand could use the help. I had no real help, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It also seems to me that we both seek one other thing in common... the need for someone to believe, sincerely, that we are not to blame for our problem.

Thank you for answering this post. The burden my mother laid at my feet tonight has lessened in the thoughts that I now have made a new friend who really does understand, and who is going through the same things. I see some kind of hope... even if it just means to better organize my life to live with something that at times seems unmanageable. I can't tell you how good it feels to not seem so alone tonight. I have so much to say and nobody to say it to.

Are your nights as endless and hopeless feeling as mine? How do you get through them? Once we get in touch beyond the confines of this message board I will help you get involved with the support group I found. It doesn't look like alot of people are still there, it went idle apparently... but they have a link to one that is extremely busy from the way they speak of it. I have no desire to find 2000 people like myself for other than getting us all help by banding together. What I desire is a few close friends I can relate to in the late night hours when I am sitting here wondering what to do. I am known to be quite resourceful when the need arises, online and off. Stick close and hang on for the ride, I will find us all eventually. <wink> Networking is one of my strong suits, long overdue for a good cause to make use of it.

Thank you again for answering my post, and just for being there on the other end to read this. We will not just survive, we will learn to thrive!

Dawn

[Night Wizard]

The bottom line is, this "disorder" is wired in. You cannot drastically change your sleep habits without sacrificing the quality of your sleep. You need to respect your own sleep needs first, because without restful sleep your body and mind will not function properly.

The good news is that you CAN function in the world with DSPD.

If you are able to stay up long enough to work a night shift, you might consider assembly work (which pays pretty well for night workers), or logistics work for a retail store -- unloading trucks, stocking, etc. -- (which also pays a bonus for night work).

If you could manage to stay awake long enough to get your child to school in the morning (some schools have day care available as early as 6AM), or to a day care center that would transport the child to school at the proper time, you could then go home and sleep until your child got home from school in the afternoon.

Your daytime sleep quality might be improved by using blue light blockers in the early AM hours (talk to your sleep doctor about this), and then using black-out shades to darken the room where you sleep. I find that using a white noise machine, which makes sounds like the ocean, improves my quality of sleep at any time of day. It not only masks noises but also seems to subdue my brain activity somewhat, enabling me to get to sleep more easily and sleep more deeply.

I have had severe DSPD for as long as I can remember (at least since the age of five), but I have not been successful at working the night shift, as I do need to sleep by 4AM, and most night shifts run from midnight to 8AM. However, my daughter (who also has DSPD) was able to do logistics from 10PM to 5 or 6AM with no problem. So that's something to consider.

I come from a family with an unusual number of "night owls." Several of us in the last generation or two have been formally diagnosed with DSPD (which was only discovered about 30 years ago).

Quite a number of the "night owls" in my family have been self-employed (myself included) at various times over the years, which allows somewhat more flexibility in work schedules, also (within reasonable limits, of course -- the business world is firmly 9 to 5). You can often do some work at home, if you can make it to the office early enough to satisfy job requirements. I did accounting for small businesses for many years, and would go in to the office(s) to pick up documents for posting, interface with the owners(my clients) and employees as needed, and then I would do the paperwork at home and return it to the company when I was finished. I have a niece who opened a haircutting salon and worked from noon to 9PM six days a week. People loved being able to come in after work and on Saturday afternoons.

Many doctors and dentists have at least one day a week when they are open for extended hours (at least until 6PM). If you found one of them, you could do appointments for your child after school.

There are many ways to blend into the "daytime" population. Good luck.